Monday, March 14, 2011 :: Q...
Went out today. I stopped by two shops, both run by Asian Americans. When I walked into the first shop– noting the shop owner I wondered if I should say something about the recent events in Japan.
Photo on right — five hours later
Late last week I was on my elliptical so much that the early morning [here] event [earthquake and tsunami] was on the night I went to bed early [exhaustion] and awoke about 2:00 in the morning. It had just happened an hour or so earlier.
I was shocked at those first scenes and kept switching between a Chinese cable station [CCTV news] and CNN the only two live broadcasts airing scenes from the devastation at the time.
Something about the last 15 years of my surreal life– makes it hard for me watch live tragedies unfold. I was this way about 9/11. New Orleans. Hatti.
Maybe so many things have happened to me and I cannot understand how they could have happened– that it is hard for me to watch television– and accept what is before me.
It is not that I am unemotional about the scenes. When I saw the fire getting worse at the refinery– I said “oh shit”. When American rescue workers were getting ready to go to Japan from Virginia I was not a proud american. Yes, I have to admit that.
I used to watch scenes– Baby Jessica, planes downed by wind shear or thunderstorms, the first Gulf War and believe everything and laugh and cry with relief when happy endings were achieved. Today, I rarely watch tragedies.
The other issue of course? I believe I have round the clock surveillance. I am a very private person. I seldom seek comfort from others– but by the same token cannot provide a shoulder to cry on. I have always been this way. I am not a sociopath nor am I antisocial. I simply love happy people and not really sure what to do with those that are not happy or at least calm. I do not like depressed nor crying people.
I used to be able to watch tragedy from the distance of the television, even live television.. but in this time frame — I do not. The first time I noticed this — the Oklahoma bombings. [this before I thought I had surveillance]. It was about a week after I left Rockwell and I was still in shock. I remember telling someone on the phone– normally I would be sitting there struck by the insanity of such an event– and I felt nothing. I was drained from Rockwell.
The first shop I went into today– I see the guy at least twice yearly– and he knows me. I did not want to offend him — and I do not even think he is a Japanese American– so I said nothing.
The other shop I visited– the young female clerk stood there for a moment– greeted me kindly and again I was unsure whether to say something.
In the end– I decided that if I had gone into shops where non-asian shop owners were present I would also have said nothing– so I felt better.. it just struck me as odd– I was unsure what to say.
FBI– I would like to be a proud American again. I want to know that FOP and our rescues teams are on the right mission. For those of you that want to ask about my patriotism– have a long talk with the FBI and rethink it. I am probably more patriotic than most and the FBI gets where I am coming from even if they do not want to admit it publicly. My disappointment is well founded. I would love for the proper authorities to make right– what should never have been made wrong in my world.